The Almost One Night Stand
by MistressArafaxdeep
Summary: What would happen if Jiraiya was too drunk to see straight and thought that the pretty boy sitting in the corner was a girl? Yaoi...M rating...Jiraiya...I think you understand what I'm saying. But it's funny too so you may like it if you don't like yaoi.


**The Almost One Night Stand**

**By Arafaxdeep20 and Ny-meria-21**

**A special sort of yaoi thing that one of my friends and I co-wrote. So yes...we tried to make this funny for both yaoi and non-yaoi fans alike, but the story is still perverted. And there is definately boy-on-boy action, so if you don't like that sort of thing, do not read this and send me flames about how you hate it. If you think you can maybe stand yaoi if it's funny, you'll probably like this. It was mostly written for the humor value, and except for a little lime-ish content, nothing bad happens. And this is slightly AU...so don't get all worried about it.**

* * *

Jiraiya swallowed down his who knows how many cup of sake and looked around. His attention was caught by a rather attractive young lady on the opposite side of the bar. With every sip he took, she started looking better and better. The only thought ran through his mind at that moment was _Man, her boobs are huge!_

A few minutes later he decided that he would like to get to know her better. And by getting to know her better he meant her entire body. He wanted to feel her fingers grasping his hair, to feel the shape of her breasts in his hands, and make her scream his name in ecstasy. _Mmm…breasts…Oooo, I wonder what it'd be like inside of her_. A smirk adorned his face as a reel of dirty and perverted thoughts raced through his head causing his blood to rush to his head, which almost resulted in a nosebleed. He decided that it was worth a try to get her under him. It had been such a long time since he'd actually had sex.

A few minutes later he was sitting with only one seat between them and hardly anyone left in the bar. Sasuke and Naruto were still there as well, but Sasuke had most of his attention on his current situation with Naruto. The blonde boy had his head buried in Sasuke's crotch. It was quite awkward.

"So lovely, what are you doing here all by yourself?" Jiraiya asked, laying as much sugar on it as he could. She looked up at him and giggled, a shy smile settling on her face. She looked away with a blush and continued to drink her tea. _Not good!_he thought to himself.

Before all chance with her disappeared he asked, "You mind if I sit next to you?" She shook her head, and he moved over to the seat beside hers. "So what's your name, hon?"

She smiled shyly, "Haku." (A/N-And this is where it officially becomes sort-of-yaoi)

"So, would you like to get to know me better?" Jiraiya asked the boy who he thought was a girl. "I mean, like friends, yeah."

The super effeminate young man smiled at him and said, "Sure." He quickly handed Haku a cup of sake, in the attempt to get him drunk so that his judgment would be impaired and he could lay him easier. Haku downed about four cups, before he started showing signs of being tipsy. The whole time Jiraiya asked Haku questions mostly trying to sound sincerely interested when all he really wanted from Haku was to get laid.

They stayed for a few more cups when Jiraiya suddenly kissed Haku on the lips. Haku let out a surprised gasp, but was quickly returning the kiss. Running a hand along Haku's thigh, Jiraiya whispered, "Let's go to my place and we can really get to know each other better." He gave the boy a suggestive wink, to which Haku simply giggled and followed him out the door. Wrapping an arm around the boy's waist he led him down the street towards his hotel room.

* * *

Sasuke was gaping at Jiraiya. The man had just walked out the door with Haku, Zabuza's little lackey. And if Sasuke's memory served correctly, Haku was a boy. A bloody effeminate boy, but still a boy. If Jiraiya was drunk off his rocker, it would be easy to see how he would have confused Haku for a girl. Most people did that when they weren't drunk. 

Sasuke heard a groan from his lap. He really didn't want to be left here with Naruto. The kind of behavior they were engaging wasn't exactly appropriate for public places. He gently laid a hand across the blonde's head. "Naruto, come on let's go." All he got for a response was a grunt. Sasuke just rolled his eyes and waited for the boy to finish.

* * *

In the few short minutes it took for Jiraiya and Haku to get to the hotel, Haku was fawning over Jiraiya. Haku was more than happy to be with him, he'd been so lonely since Zabuza's death. As soon as Jiraiya had closed and locked the door he pinned Haku to the closest wall, kissing him deeply not wanting to let go. 

Eventually, he broke the kiss. He paused to inhale the scent of vanilla and cherry blossoms that covered the boy. Haku gasped as his neck was bit and a mark left there from Jiraiya's teeth. He then pushed off the top half of the kimono Haku wore, using enough force that it caused Haku to pull his arms instinctively across his chest once the garment was gone. The chest that was definitely male, but Jiraiya couldn't see it. He was perplexed. _I_ _thought__that __her boobs__ were__ much bigger!__ Oh well sex is sex__and dam__n__ do I need it.__ Preferably __sooner rather than late__r_, he thought.

Shaking off his thoughts and the fact that the chest he was looking at was definitely not female, Jiraiya continued his attack and soon was caressing Haku's body in every place except for the one he so desperately wanted to explore. Namely…her vagina.

As he was starting to pull down the long silken pants that matched the kimono from Haku's hips, his hand stopped him and the girly boy said, "My dear, you still have too many clothes on. Let me solve that problem for you." Painstakingly slow Haku removed the many packs and weapons Jiraiya carried. As Haku was setting down the last pack, a little orange book fell out. Flipping through the book he noticed a special drawing. Pointing it out to Jiraiya, Haku whispered, "How about we try that?"

Jiraiya's little man wasn't so little anymore at the suggestion of using a technique from his famed Icha Icha Paradise. He quickly removed his own shirt, as Haku slowly pulled his pants down his legs and had him step out of them, leaving Jiraiya standing in his underwear. Running a hand across his body, Haku finally rested it on Jiraiya's swollen manhood. Jiraiya moaned loudly and cursed himself for not having any sex for such a long time.

Quickly and tightly Jiraiya pulled Haku against himself, and moved carried the boy over to the bed. He kissed him harshly as he slowly ran his hand down and then up her thigh. That was when he felt his fingers brush against something that shouldn't have been there. He paused to look down and saw what the problem was. And the problem was the bulge in Haku's crotch area where it should have been flat.

"What the heck are you?" Jiraiya asked in alarm, when he realized that the only thing that would cause a bulge like that was an erect penis.

"I'm a boy," Haku said and looked at him apologetically. Jiraiya looked at the boy shocked and ran screaming out of the room and locked himself in the bathroom. His own erection had effectively been deflated at the thought of almost having done a boy. And he didn't want to ever see that man/woman/transvestite ever again. "GET OUT OF MY HOTEL ROOM YOU FREAK!" he yelled at the door in hopes that "it" would leave. Sitting on the bathtub floor, he rocked himself back and forth in hopes of making the horrible and mentally scarring image go away faster.

* * *

Sasuke moaned softly as Naruto nuzzled his head into his crotch even harder. He grimaced as he felt his manhood going harder each time the sleeping ninja nuzzled against him. He needed to get Naruto away from that spot of his body immediately or he'd go crazy. So Sasuke roughly pushed Naruto off of him and looked down at his pants. There was a drool spot directly on top of his very large and very noticeable erection. This definitely didn't look good. Not good at all. 

"What was that for?" the still mostly drunk Naruto asked. Slowly standing to his feet, the only thing he could see was a blurry figure. He figured it was the girl he had been making out with (yeah he was making out with a girl in his dream and he thought it was real). "Come on baby," he cooed to Sasuke. "You know that you want more."

Sasuke made the "Oh dear God" face. "Uh, Naruto," he said, "I'm not a girl. And I do not want to kiss you again."

A really strange grin lit Naruto's face. "You're lying to me babe. Come here and let's get back to where we left off at."

Sasuke was mortified. He was never going drinking with Jiraiya or Naruto ever again. His erection went away at the thought of Naruto kissing him. And then Naruto tackled Sasuke smothering him with kisses. Sasuke gasped and sent a well placed kick in Naruto's groin. The blonde shinobi immediately started writhing in pain, allowing Sasuke to escape. He rubbed his face off on his shirt sleeve. "Yuck," he muttered to himself. "What part of restoring the clan requires a female to accomplish do they not understand? I'm not gay."

While Sasuke was ranting to himself, Haku sheepishly came back into the bar. The boy looked sad, so Sasuke assumed Jiraiya had figured out the truth, and had sent the boy packing. Sasuke glanced at Naruto who was once again passed out. He grumbled as he picked the blonde ninja up, and carried him back to the hotel room.

* * *

It took Sasuke an hour to finally coax Jiraiya out of the bathroom, after assuring him about a billion times that the freaky transvestite was gone. Naruto was sprawled across the bed, obviously still dreaming about the chick because he was thrusting his hips back and forth and moaning in his sleep. Sasuke certainly wasn't sharing the bed with him tonight. And Jiraiya…well Jiraiya started freaking out every time he glanced at either of the two younger boys. 

"Argh…it's the floor for me," Sasuke complained to himself. He set himself up a little nest like thing with blankets. Naruto who was already asleep continued his dream induced antics. Jiraiya was rocking back and forth on the bed, still trying to get the horrible images out. And Sasuke curled up in a ball on the floor, drifting off to sleep. The last thought that popped into his head… _I will never go to a bar with either of them again_.

* * *

**I hope that wasn't too much yaoi for anyone. Personally, I just filled in the bones that my friend laid out for me. She probably deserves all the credit for the story except for that I originated the idea, and filled in most of the nitty gritty details. So...hopefully you found it funny. If you did then we accomplished our goal. **


End file.
